Call me Handsome

The breakdown of my marriage wreaked havoc on my self esteem.  That’s not easy to do.  My self esteem is usually solidly intact.  I felt ugly, broken, unattractive.  Men don’t necessarily need to be told they are handsome, but they do need to be shown that they are.  Heck, it doesn’t hurt to be told that as well.  Showing a man that he is attractive means that he needs to feel desired.  Contrary to what it seems, sex isn’t just an act to most men, it’s a validation.  I want to know that you desire me (and if it’s in bed, that I rocked your world).  For years, I received not one bit of “validation”.

Then I separated and divorced.  There was hope that my world would change, not just a relief from the stress and damage from a toxic relationship, but also that I would be able to find someone who would show me that I am handsome again.  I needed validation, keenly and almost desperately.  Almost too quickly, I started dating someone who I thought might fill that void, someone who I thought had that desire for me.  From the way our relationship started, I thought she did, our first real date an evening of long kisses.  She liked to hold my hand, gave me the attention (when she was available) that I had missed for so long.  However, it didn’t take long for me to start noticing things she said that betrayed that, as if she was making a concession, insinuating that she could be dating better looking men but she liked who I was.  She didn’t insinuate it, she even said it.  While she met my physical needs, it wasn’t always desire I felt.  I wanted to be desired.  I don’t need to be Adonis, but I need to be that man she can’t get enough of.  I finally gathered enough courage to lose her.

Good night… btw you looked hot tonight (hugs kisses)

That was the text I received last night at bed time.  From Lisa.  Slowly, our friendship is progressing.  There are kisses, long hugs, many evenings just spent holding hands and rocking out on my balcony.  She tells me things like that, usually after I have seen it in her eyes for an evening.  Last night, I saw her outside when I got home from a messy mountain bike ride and walked over to say hello.  Even though I was a bit dirty, smelled of sweat and mosquito repellent, mud covered with my mountain bike shorts, tee shirt, and baseball hat on, she didn’t mind.  She has already commented on my legs after she sees me after a ride, as my calves and thighs are usually pumped.  That makes me less self conscious, not afraid to let her see me after a ride and not at my best.  We were having a great conversation, so I invited her up to my condo while I prepared my dinner, continued the conversation.  It had been a rough day of meetings for her, so I listened while I cooked.  We prayed together before I ate, shared a bit more, then I walked her home.  Then I got that little validation I needed.  It didn’t require sex, but I could see it in her eyes.  Sex isn’t at the top of my list of needs, as I have found out.  I just need to know I am desired.  When we are ready, the sex will happen.. and if what is already happening is any indication, the “validation” will be there then as well.  I would like to say I can’t wait, but I can, will be ready when she is.

I am learning a few things.  I am learning that I am handsome.  Maybe it takes the right one to make me feel that way.

Better Than A Prayer

As I typed the title to this blog, I wondered if lightning might strike real close.  It’s not that I don’t believe in prayer, I do.  Often times, though, my prayer is better expressed without word or thought — with a loud WOW as I ride my bike in the woods.  The picture above was taken yesterday morning, the sky an awesome blue, the bare trees beautiful, the river and marshes magnifying the scenery in reflection, the calm of the woods the perfect medicine.  The air was crisp, cold in the early morning.  I had to ride early, the day would be warm for December, the sun would thaw the frozen dirt and sand, making the riding treacherous when the sun turned the trails turned to frosty mud.

There is a zen to riding a bike, a calm that takes over while the mind and body find a rhythm.  Over the years, the bike brought me health beyond just the physical.  Many a stressful day has been trumped by turning the pedals.  When my marriage began to turn for the worse, the bike helped me to escape, allowed that zen to bring the calm that helped me to think.  I can think of many times when I felt like screaming, let the pedals do the screaming for me.

I needed yesterday’s ride.  I think I will leave it at that.  D is proving more and more that I need to get the guts to call it quits with her.  We almost did Sunday.  She proved that it’s going to be difficult to discuss anything with her.

I guess I am not leaving it at that.  It started when she couldn’t accept that I wanted to watch the Bears play the Packers instead of shopping with her.  Even tonight, she is texting me tonight about that.  She made fudge in my kitchen while I watched the game.. because I said no.  She didn’t get her way and she is not happy about that.

Rumor has it that guy likes his football game better than his angel.  But his angel being the loving angel she is she forgives him.

That’s the text she just sent.  I feel a bit like a jerk, but I don’t need forgiving for wanting to watch a football game.  In Chicago, especially with the season the Bears are having, everyone watches the game.

I helped clean up the mess in the kitchen after the game, covered the fudge and put it in the fridge.

Are there any things about me that bother you or annoy you?  She asks me that question now and then.  I always respond with a no.  Answering the question is walking right into the trap and I know it.  When there has been friction, she asks the question more than once.

This time I answered the question.  No, it had nothing to do with football.  No, I did not say there is something about you that bothers me.  I said there is something we need to think about for our relationship to succeed.  It’s not THE thing, but it’s important to me.  I told her (probably not a good thing to do) that I am not sure she is going to accept that I will never be Catholic.  I told her that I don’t think she is going to be able to understand why it is important to me.  It was a hurtful thing to say, perhaps.  She took it very personal, freaked out a little.

And she has been relentless trying to “win” an argument that I don’t want to be an argument.  Before and after that ride yesterday morning, she was sending me texts trying to convince me that there is no difference in our religions.  I wish I had not been honest with her.  While I have been writing this blog entry, she has been bombarding me with texts about watching football and sports.  She isn’t winning, she is driving me further away.

Then she realizes she is turning me off, injects an I love you in and asks me how much I love her.  That is usually followed by a do you love football or your bike more than me?.

Yes.  And if I choose to stay with you, I will need my bike even more.

It’s a control game and I am not going to play it.

Sigh.

The ride was great.  I rode for a bit with ZZ Top.  Seriously.  Three guys, two with long freaky beards and one normal guy.  They weren’t, but they looked like it.  I rode some of the hard technical trails with them, excused myself to go enjoy the peace of the woods on my own for a while, thanked them for joining me.

I headed for the back of the trail system, nailed a sandy section better than any time before.  The frozen sand was fast, allowed me to hit the high part of a banked left turn at full speed and I caught an awesome amount of air, landed in just the right spot to bank right at full speed and catch air again.  I whooped with excitement, the pure joy and rush flowing out of me.  It was the medicine I needed.

I make it sound like D is totally bad.  She’s not, but she also is not making me want to stay with her.  Like I have been writing, it’s becoming clear I need to move on.  If she wants me at all, she is going to have to loosen the reins.  It seems terrible to say, but it’s so.

Next week is Christmas.  I want dry weather for Christmas.  Please.  White Christmas is not what I want!

Current Thoughts

My thoughts today are going to be all over the place, maybe an indication of my state, which is bordering on an organized state of confusion.  I understand where I am at yet am second guessing.  Rather than give up and move on from my current relationship, I am practicing patience and addressing what concerns me.  Am I always successful in communicating exactly what I am concerned about?  No.  I also am overlooking some warning flags, hoping that patience will reward with a better relationship.  The little voice of reason in my head tells me to quit doing that.

This is not a struggle that is new.  Any read of past blog entries will show that I have been wrestling with the exact same doubts for several months.  There are some things that are new, however, and I can feel my discontent, know that it’s real.  To her credit, she recognizes it (eventually) in me and wants to do something about it.. which is encouraging.  I am trying to decide if her willingness to recognize, acknowledge, and try to resolve behavior that troubles me is just her being a normal woman.  It could be that my ex wife’s tendency to stubbornly deny that my discontent was valid and call me wrong for feeling it was unique to my ex.  I do not want to project that on anyone else.

Last weekend saw me experiencing some growing pains.  One of the complaints I made early on was that D was unwilling to give me time outside of Saturday night.  It’s still valid, but she has gone to church with me the past two Sunday mornings, in addition to seeing me Saturday night.  Suddenly, my Sunday routine has changed and it’s ME who has to be flexible as well.  I am used to going to church on my own every Sunday morning, unwinding with a nap or couch time after lunch, possibly a mountain bike ride directly after church rather than the nap.  My time was my own, the blissful bachelor life.

The last two Sundays have found me thrift shopping with D after church, silently praying for a quick trip as I dutifully follow a woman on a mission for the ultimate bargain.  Shopping, especially picking through the debris at Goodwill, is not my thing.  I can enjoy shopping, especially when shopping is strolling through quaint shops hand in hand, or exploring the wonderful world of a bike shop (ahhhhhhh, yes, the scent of fresh bicycle excites me to no end).  In addition, she is obsessed with decorating my condo and making sure I will have the entire place decorated for Christmas.  I am going to need to put my foot down because I am beginning to start to feel invaded.  Right now, there is very usable space in my place.  Most of it is decorated in a way that can’t be disturbed.  It didn’t help that last Sunday I was worn out, tired to the point of it affecting my interaction with her (borderline grumpy, definitely too fried to communicate in my normal fashion).  I told her I needed to get home as I was tired and getting a headache, a truthful assessment of my condition.  Her reaction was to tell me that she functions very well on four hours of sleep.. and she couldn’t understand why I needed a nap.  To her credit, she went home with me, laid next to me while I snoozed.

I have some adjustments to make.  It’s time for me to work a little more at a relationship, get out of my comfort zone, adjust my stuff to fit in with what she requires.  I may have to decide if that is what I really want.

Things are not as negative as I make them sound.  Truthfully, I have a woman who demonstrates that she cares for me, is affectionate, is loyal.  She respects me in a way that I know is part of her character.  This picture shows that a little, taken Labor day weekend at a party —

Stealth

One of the challenges to dating post divorce is figuring out how to broach the subject with each of our children.  D and I are in different divorce stages — she is divorced nearly 9 years, I less than 1 year.

Facts:

1.  Her children, both daughters, are 26 and 32 years old, the 26 year old (and her two female pit bulls) currently lives with her.
2. My children, a girl 22 and a boy 19.
3. Her daughters know about me but have never met me.  I have caught a glimpse of the 26 year old as she walked into her house one evening, but that is it.
4. My daughter is moving away next week, as in out of the country.
5. My son lives with his mom.  My daughter lives with her mom when she is home.
6. D’s youngest daughter lived with her father for a while, until it just wasn’t possible.  She is still very devoted to her father.  The oldest loves her father, but it seems like she is not as emotionally attached.

To clarify, D has already broached the subject of dating to her daughters.  She has dated several different men in the last nine years.  So with her the dilemma isn’t broaching the subject with them, it is introducing them to me.  With me, I have never mentioned my dating to my children.  For me, I am struggling with the notion that it may be insensitive for me to bring up the topic of my dating, especially since I am not just dating.  I have a girlfriend who qualifies as a serious relationship, even if there is question if our relationship will ever go beyond a dating relationship.  Since it is just a little over a year since my wife and I separated, less than a year since our divorce, my kids may not be ready to deal with the notion that I am dating seriously.  Heck, for that matter, there are times where that notion feels strange to me!

There have been times recently where I have wanted to bring up the subject with my children, simply ask them what they think.  As I first started to think about telling my children, it seems like the most logical and most honest approach.  Every time I have wanted to do that with them, a little voice in my head tells me that it may not be the most sensitive or sensible thing to do.  That little voice also tells me to give it time, let them ask the question.  If they ask, that means they are ready to know.  That also seems logical.  It also is the approach that makes the most sense to me, even as I feel like it also might be the least honest or most cowardly approach.

The other night, I went over to D’s house to fix her car for her.  Her car had a burned out headlight bulb, usually a simple fix for most cars, but for her car it was a two hour procedure.  The bumper cover and front end on her Chevy had to be partially removed just to get to the headlamp assembly.  So, I spent a little over two hours out in the driveway of her house.  As I was finishing the job, her youngest daughter drove up to the front of her house, sat there for a good minute or more, then pulled away slowly.  I think she was texting D about me being in front of the house.  She parked her car around the corner, then went inside the house via the back door.

I guess she wasn’t ready to meet me.  D didn’t seem concerned, didn’t say anything about it even when I said something about her daughter driving away.  She basically shrugged it off.  Honestly, I do not know how to take that.

Lately, I have been making an effort to introduce D to friends.  She met my brothers a few months ago, will meet my parents when she is able to free up enough time to go visit them.  After our date to see the trolls at the arboretum last Saturday night, I posted pictures from that date on my FB — something my daughter and my friends are connected to.  I have decided that I am not going shy away from my children finding out about her.  That is a decision that I am afraid of, but I know it needs to be done.  Once again, I don’t know if it is the right way to do it.

My daughter leaves the country this coming Tuesday to start a job teaching at an international school in Turkey.  Her contract is for two years.  Last night, she texted me to tell me that she was coming over to my house today while I am at work, to go through the things I am storing for her.  Then she asked if her mother, my ex, can come with her.  I hesitated.  Not only does the thought of my ex having free rein in my place, to snoop if she wants, make me uncomfortable, it smacks of potential for the whole dating thing to come up in a way that could be negative.  My condo unit has obviously been decorated with female help — it looks very good.  I really don’t know what else to say.  With some trepidation, I answered my daughter with a yes to her bringing her mother with her, thanked her for asking.  Resisting would probably cause more conflict than not resisting.

My daughter saw me with D several weeks ago, by the way.  I wrote about that here, I think.  She didn’t approach us, just walked the other direction, similar to the reaction that D’s youngest daughter had, I suppose.

There will be more to write, I am sure.

 

 

Tackling the Gorilla

I upset D last week during a text conversation.  We have a lot of conversations via text, something that gets a bit tiresome (texts are just a step above email — I would rather talk or communicate face to face, to lessen the risk of misunderstanding).

Here I go again.. focusing on the negative.

I am trying to address the questions, key isssues and concerns that I have when it comes to D, rather than ignore them.  This whole post divorce dating thing is a bit of a minefield.  The potential for conflict is high.  I have no clue what I am doing, so that does not help.

What are the key issues with D?  One is the time that we have available to spend together, which is every Saturday night.  There are other issues, such as the differences in our religion or what we actually have in common.  We have to address those issues.  It’s important to me.

I am trying to address them.  I really am.

Take a few weeks ago, for instance.  Even though we only see each other on Saturday night, we also communicate daily via text.  During the course of our text correspondence, I brought up the topic of the time we have for each other.  That is the core of my concern with our relationship.  I struggle with it, but I also know that an honest relationship will address that issue.  It bothers me.  I know that seeing each other every Saturday night is not going to give us the time to really see if our relationship can flourish.  It takes more than that, even if we communicate via text each day (I hate it).  I try to be sensitive when I bring up something I know I want to talk about.. and texting, as I said earlier, can so easily be misunderstood.  D is constantly busy, something I try to be sensitive to, so texting often is the best form of communication available to her.  Often times, she just is not in a place where she can call me.  What texting can lead to, though, is a conversation that fills the space of an entire evening.  That’s not a bad thing.  There are times where I text her and ask if I can call her or if she can call me when she is able to.  It works better that way.

During the course of our text conversation, D told me (as she has before) that she appreciates that I love her unconditionally and do not put any undo pressure on her.  My response was close to not being sensitive, skewed by the nature of it being a text.  It was intended to be reassuring —

It’s tough.  I have to decide that you are the right person rather than the right situation.  I have decided that you are the right one, love you in a way that can’t turn back, accept you for the beautiful woman that you are.

D responded immediately —

I understand you would like more of our time together, but if you love me you need to understand that I just don’t have it.  That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, that just means I have responsibilities I need to not turn my back on right now… I love you, and there is no way I want to lose you, and I hope you feel the same.

There was more discussion, but this is enough for me to be able to remember the text conversation.  What I wanted her to realize is that I do understand her situation.  That understanding is why she feels like I love her unconditionally and I do not put pressure on her.  Other men failed to understand, as she tells me, and that is why they failed with her.

That text conversation was in the middle of the week.  It festered.  When Saturday evening came and I picked her up, brought her home for dinner, she hit me with her anxiety over that conversation even before we left my car.  I was glad.  We needed to have that conversation.

Even though I understand your situation, our situation, I told her, we need to find ways to get to know each other more deeply if our relationship is going to last.  I am not so concerned about the time you are giving to me.  I am not trying to pressure me into giving me more.  I just want to let you know that I want to know you more, want to see if you are the woman who will be making me smile into our golden years.. together.  We probably are not going to be able to accomplish that if we only see each other on Saturday and text during the week.  That has helped us to see enough to want to have a relationship with each other, but it’s probably not enough to know if I am the man of your future.  I can sense that you really don’t know.  You need to know.  I need to know.  I want you to find out if I really am that man you think you know.

I hated myself as I spoke those words, but I know that if I am going to be a man that loves, then I need to be a man who loves enough to care.  She is trying to find ways to give me more time, has been.  This month we have had two dates that were extended dates, two days.  She is trying to find ways to do that more, including us going to her church on Saturday night and to my church on Sunday morning.

Which is another core issue, one that I started addressing a little more than maybe I should last night — the differences between our religions.  She is Catholic, I am Christian.  I was once a pastor, so I am very serious about what I believe, am very aware that I will never agree with the Catholic way.  She is very serious about her faith as well, so that brings us together.  That is what we have focused on up to this point.  I went to mass with her last Sunday morning, my fourth time doing that with D, and winced at certain points in the service.  The previous three times I attended mass with her, I winced at the same points.  I need her to go to my church with me, try to find out why I believe what I do.  Do I need to be right about the differences in our churches?  Unfortunately, I do need to be right.  I keep telling myself it’s more about the person I am with, more about how important God is to her and how comfortable we are talking about what we believe.  I want the woman I love to be on the same page with me.  It’s important to me.

The gorilla is shrinking, but he’s still there and he’s still big.

I still am concerned about what we have in common.  Every time I see her and quite often when we are communicating during the week, she still is talking about the same things — about the excitement during our first dates, what it was like during the months we communicated through the dating website, about her marriage.  I can tell that she is in love with being in love with me, a natural thing and something I am enjoying, experiencing that myself.  But she has been divorced nearly nine years and is still talking to me and telling me the same things over and over about her ex and their marriage.  i can finish stories for her now.  That concerns me.  I also think that seeing more of each other will either reveal more about what we do or do not have in common.  This might even be more of a core issue to me than I am giving credit.

Maybe a person who reads my blog will tell me that I need to relax, enjoy the ride.  I am, but I am also taking this seriously.  There is too much at stake.  I screwed up once.  If I can screw up less, then I will be ok.

 

 

Sorting Through The Sublime

The past few days, July 3-4, were sublime and peaceful, time spent with D and some of her friends at a concert on Tuesday night and then a whole day with D on July 4.  We had breakfast together, went to a parade nearby, then went to Cantigny for the day’s festivities there.  Cantigny is quickly becoming a favorite place for us, especially since we both enjoy the flowers as well as the history that surrounds the place.  We strolled the grounds hand in hand, stopping for kisses now and then, enjoyed a nice lunch in the visitor’s center and toured the McCormick mansion.  The day was to culminate with the fireworks close to her house, only to have them cancelled as we waited for them to start, a strong thunderstorm interrupted the festivities before they could start.  We retreated to a local McDonalds for ice cream before I took her home, a few more kisses in the booth as we tried to squeeze the last of the sublime out of our day.  It was a good day.

Appropriately, on our way out of McDonalds, I bumped into a guy that I used to play a lot of basketball with.  Dave gushed about my abilities, pumping me up a little in front of D, my past skills with a basketball something I have not bragged about to her.  When Dave and I played together, our teams won several leagues and tournaments, something he talked about as he told her how my shooting and his inside play complimented each other.  I blushed.  As we left, D commented on how uncanny it is that we always bump into someone I know, even 20 miles away from where I live.  🙂

D and I are getting along very well, especially when it comes to affection.  We are both affectionate, a good match for us.  Our time together always includes a lot of kisses, cuddling, hand holding.  I like it.  I was starved for affection going into our relationship, a result of a decade or more of neglect from my spouse.  For someone who needs touch to communicate love and affection, it was like being lost in the desert without water.  When D and I started dating, we had been talking for 5 months prior to our first date, our first date a night we will always remember if only because it was filled with lots of kisses.  We were ready to be together after 5 months of getting to know each other without the benefit of actually being physically together.

D made it clear as we talked yesterday that one of the reasons I have been successful at winning her affection is that I am able to understand the responsibilities she has.  I am willing to accept that her commitment to caring for her mother, her home responsibilities that make it impossible for me to see the inside of her home, am OK with only seeing her on Saturday nights.  No man before me would tolerate that.  I don’t want that to be permanent, I told her, but I am happy that she does her best to fill in the space during those six days we don’t see each other.

One of her friends on Tuesday night mentioned marriage to her.  D did not take that comment very well.  Unfortunately, it showed a side to D that makes me pause, even in the midst of all the affection and sublime.  Over the course of the last two days, it became clear that she really does not see our relationship as something permanent.

I am trying to decide if I should be concerned.  If she wants me to date only her, then why can’t she see our relationship something that lasts into our golden years.  Shouldn’t that be the goal?  Does she only want me for the one night a week companionship, getting her relationship and affection fix?  Maybe I am expecting too much, but maybe not.  Maybe I should decisde if that, also, is OK with me.

 

 

 

Becoming Friendly By Bike

I like bicycles, so much that most people who know me identify that interest as part of who I am.  When I relax, when I exercise, it almost always involves a bicycle.  Many times over the years, friends think of me when they have a question about a bicycle they are buying, when they need an old bicycle fixed/refurbished, or simply when they start to enjoy bicycling themselves.  Right now, I have a bicycle in my garage that a friend asked me to fix up for him — and it’s almost ready after one day.  I just need to look at the shift cables and make some adjustments.  The price for fixing up his bicycle is that he must go for a ride with me when I deliver it back to him.  His wife is very pleased with me, as well as her husband for taking the initiative to ask me to help.

After one year of living in my condo, my neighbors have become accustomed to the sight of me working on bicycles in my garage.  Usually, I set up my portable workstand out in the front of the parking bay where there is more light and where there is a breeze, my music playing lightly on the old stereo I have set up out there.  The community I live in is nestled into a quiet little valley next to a river, hidden away.   Each evening, my neighbors stroll by as they walk their dogs or get their exercise.  Many hang out on the drive in front of their building.  Most stop to say hello, ask about the bike I am working on, or to ask about how things are going.  A few stop by with their bicycle to ask me to help adjust a seat or to check out an issue the bike is having.  It’s a good way to get to know my neighbors, something I really enjoy.

Last night, as I was working on my friend’s bicycle, one of my neighbors stopped by with her bicycle.  If I said that I am not interested in getting to know Lisa a little bit better, I would be in denial.  She caught my attention last year and we have light conversation occasionally as she passes by or if I see her at the pool.  At a condo party last summer, we teamed up for a bags tournament and won.  Lisa is fun, easy to talk to, a tall blonde, pretty.  Had she not been so guarded, I think I would have pursued her last year.  As it was, I just couldn’t get enough to gauge whether she was interested or not, enough that I thought that maybe she wasn’t available.  I needed to know more about her story.  Lately, she has stopped by for a little longer each time, shared quite a bit more about herself, enough that it is obvious she wants me to know she is available.  As I adjusted the seat height on her bicycle last night, she asked how I keep my garage so tidy and in order, how it is not filled to the brim with things.  Didn’t you bring a lot of things over from your house after the divorce?  I know I did.  I took the opportunity to purge in more ways than one, I explained, plus a lot of the things on my garage shelves are things I am storing for my daughter.  Can’t your wife store things for her?  Where does she live?  Do you have a friendly relationship with her?  More questions, explained easily.  I was happy to tell her that my ex and I have an amicable relationship — I think that gives a good impression.  It’s not quite that way with my ex, even after so many years.  She wants me to know more about her, I can see.

I am interested.  I don’t know how to feel about that with D in the picture.  D is very serious about me.  If I went out with someone else, I would likely lose D.  That is something I need to decide if I am OK with.  She is a good part of my life every Saturday night.  And that is just it.. it is only Saturday night.  I am beginning to sound like a broken record, but it’s really a valid point.  Do I need to make that decision?  Yes, I know I do.  If I am going to date anyone else, I need to let D know.

Dang, I hate being an adult.

D and I rode bikes together last Saturday evening, our first time riding together.  My daughter is moving out of the country, so she doesn’t want the bicycle she used in college.  Since I am decent with bikes, her bike stayed in good shape.  I put new white walled tires on the bike, adjusted the brakes and shifting.  It’s good as new.  The bike is a cruiser, with white walled balloon tires (the tires I just put on are even more white walled than they were when this picture was taken a few years ago), wrap around handlebars, a large comfy seat, and seven speeds.  We rode through the woods and forest preserve close to my place, a beautiful ride.  D thoroughly enjoyed herself, smiled broadly as we cruised along, truly pretty as her long hair trailed behind her.  Without a doubt, the ride was a very good time, something that was a bit of a benchmark for our relationship.  She knows that, wanted to impress me with that bike ride.  I have heard two of her sisters tell her that she needs to be willing to ride a bike with me.  I wanted to see that she really enjoyed riding with me (versus enjoying riding as a whole.. I do not expect any woman that I date to be a cycling enthusiast).  From the smiles I witnessed, her enjoyment was real.  The path we rode through the forest is breathtaking, peaceful especially in the evening, crosses the river and then the creek several times.  The bike she was riding is a pleasure to ride as well, especially for someone who does not ride often.  She passed the test.

We went out for gelato after our ride, a tasty treat.  D ordered black cherry for her first excursion into the world of gelato, enjoyed it thoroughly.  We walked hand in hand, window shopping in the upscale downtown area close to my place.  It was a nice time.

I am certain I will come back to this blog entry many times.  These are thoughts that I keep rehashing, but I need to process them.  I am not sure what my decision will be, how much I want to ask the questions that need to be asked.  A part of me wants to have a person I can be close to all of the time, a part of me wants to make sure that the person I am with (D) is the right person for that type of relationship.  I am making concessions, hoping that time and patience will make some of those concessions go away.  A part of me wants to keep moving on, keep exploring this new journey.

Benchmark

Last weekend was Memorial day weekend, a 3.5 day weekend for me because my boss shut down the office for the holiday at 1:30 on Friday afternoon.  It was a good weekend, filled with plenty of riding my favorite dirt trails (a few hours every day), parties, a birthday celebration with D on Saturday night, time with my daughter on Sunday.  This was my second Memorial day weekend on my own, as a repurposed single (I think I like that term rather than saying divorced), quite different than last year.

Memorial day weekend last year was my first official holiday, besides Easter, on my own.  Looking back on what it was like last year, I can see that the holiday is a bit of a benchmark for how I was doing at the time — which was worse than I cared to admit.  Normally a very social type of person, I shunned invites to parties, preferred to stay home and deal with my demons on my own.  I can remember dreading the feeling of being a third wheel, the pitiful guy who was going through a divorce.  I rode that weekend too, partly because that is what I do, partly because I just wanted to fill my time with something.

Riding usually isn’t that way for me.  I truly love turning the pedals, crave the adrenaline I feel when I know I am strong, enjoy the zen that comes from the experience.  There were plenty of times when going through the time of separation before the divorce when I climbed on the bike just to have something to do.  It wasn’t good.

This riding season, I am back to riding for the pleasure of it, rather than the necessity.  I am strong again, fast, and the smile is back on my face.  These past few days, the riding was glorious.

So was the rest of each day.  Saturday night, D and I celebrated our birthdays together.  We were born only a few days apart.  Our celebration started at a nice restaurant with outside seating on a deck that overlooks a lake.  D is affectionate, showered me with attention.  It was a good time.  We went from dinner to a place with magnificent flower gardens close to my house, then went to my place to have cake and exchange presents.  Her present to me was a four tiered plant stand and pots/flowers to put on the stand.  We potted the flowers together, assembled the stand, admired our handiwork.  Spent the rest of the evening with wine and conversation.  It was pleasant and nice, as it always is on our Saturday night dates.

The evening almost ended tragically.  On my way back to my place after dropping D off, I came upon the scene of an accident where I deer had been hit.  I didn’t discover that the deer had been hit until I too ran over the deer.  Trying to do the right thing, I went into the left lane to give the police room.  The left lane was where the recently deceased deer was sprawled.  Amazingly, even though I drove directly over the deer at 50 mph or so, my car was undamaged.

Sunday evening, I was invited to a party at a friend’s in downtown Chicago.  D couldn’t or wouldn’t go, so I went by myself.  Out of the three men at the party, I was the only single guy there amidst a number of single women.  My friend is just that, a friend with no romantic interest, a woman who has known me since she was a girl, when I was a pastor who staffed the church camp she attended as a high school student.  She and a few friends looked me up not too long ago, curious about me, and we get together now and then.  So, at her party, she introduced me as her former pastor, which was a good thing.  All in all, it was a very relaxing evening with no pressure to connect with anyone, just have a good time.  The hostess kept a close eye on me, kind of protected me.  I was spoiled, though, as I never had to get my own beer or food.  🙂

Honestly, I wish D had been with me.  The party moved to the rooftop of the four story flat, the view of the Chicago skyline and sunset spectacular.

I was invited to a BBQ with friends yesterday afternoon, my friends Steve and Suzanne.  Steve is a master with the grill and smoker, smoked tri-tip and chicken.  The meat was heavenly.  When they invited me, they asked if I would be bringing a date, hoping to meet D.  D declined the invitation.  She was tired from working a few hours yesterday, said she would see me Saturday night.  I was disappointed.  I went, but I felt like a third wheel, once again.  These are people I want D to meet, good friends who she will really like.

D texted me around 6, asked if I was having a good time and assured me that she hopes to meet them some time.  I did my best to hide my disappointment, maybe something I should not do.  Maybe I should just let her know it hurt me.

D is a structured person, a slave to routine.  She has a lot going on, too.  Spontaneity is not her thing.  We have had discussions about it and she knows I would love to see her at other times besides Saturday.  It just doesn’t feel like a relationship when there is only Saturday dates and text messages during the week.  I want someone who shares my life.  I would like it to be D, am trying to be patient, mostly succeeding, but I have my moments (as a recent post here demonstrated).  I don’t want to let go, but I might have to do that.  I know that she loves me, but I need her to love me more than her routine.  Either I am going to need to learn to be satisfied with the way things are, or I am going to have to care enough to let her go.  It’s tough for me to do that — I have quite a bit invested in D, emotionally and relationally.  I don’t let go easily and I am not sure that she will let go easily, if that happens.  It may need to happen.

It was a good weekend for me, even with the disappointment.  I look back to a year ago and see how much my life has changed for the better.  I look ahead and realize that there are even better things.

Freedom

My time lately has been focused on the bike.  In the middle of May, I am riding an event with a friend of mine called The Assault on Mount Mitchell, a road ride over 100 miles that goes from Spartanburg, South Carolina to Marion, North Carolina, then takes a nasty route up to the Blue Ridge Parkway, eventually reaching the summit of Mount Mitchell.  Mount Mitchell is the highest point east of the Mississippi and I can tell you from experience that it’s way up there.  Imagine riding into the clouds, then above the clouds.  That’s what the Assault does.  I am training for a ride that has an incredible amount of climb, much of that climb in thin air, and training for it by riding the relative flatness of Illinois.. and in cold weather.

Did I mention that I am in my mid fifties?  How about that my riding has mostly been dirt singletrack the past few years, not the road?

I am making excuses.  Reality is that I still enjoy turning the pedals no matter whether it is a dirt trail or the road.  My road bike is an older model titanium frame (the frame was manufactured in 1995) but very light and very strong material.  It’s a pretty incredible bike to ride.  This time of the year, I spend my riding time between spinning the pedals on that titanium ride and my dual suspension aluminum mountain bike.  I have been on the bike 5 out of the last 6 days, pretty incredible for March.

That brings me to the significance of my current relationship.  After all, this blog is all about my relationships, starting with the transition from the breakdown of my marriage, to the end of my marriage, to the twilight of my time on my own.  My current girlfriend can only see me on Saturday nights, something that I found a bit troubling at first, but now am seeing as a blessing.  After all, I have the freedom to ride my bike for hours at a time.  As long as I am ready to give her my undivided attention each Saturday night, make sure that I communicate with her each day, my relationship with her is growing and flourishing.

It really is flourishing.  We talk about our feelings, stay in contact via text and phone, spend so much time communicating that it’s foreplay, preparing us for our Saturday nights together.  Is the relationship perfect?  No.  I would like to know more about her, would like to see her opening up to me as far as reconciling our religions, would like to be able to see her home (I haven’t yet due to her daughter’s dogs).  Saturday night comes and we are ready to see each other, excited.  It’s interesting and much different than any relationship that I had with my wife or any other previous girlfriend.

What is different about dating at this stage of life?  Honesty.  Communication.  Everything about our relationship, including our sexual relationship, we talk about.  I have someone who enjoys the affection and mushy parts of adoration, who likes to spend time in the throes of intimacy.  We kiss, we talk, we spend an entire evening in simple bliss.

She takes my hand, asks me if I am ready to make love, and the time that follows is truly that.  When I was younger, sex was about the act.  Now, it is about giving ourselves to each other, about the purity of presenting ourselves to each other, from getting as close as it is possible to be.

My life has changed the past year.  I realize now that divorce was not the terrible thing, it was what preceded the divorce.  I am lucky that way.  Some people can’t say that.  Divorce has been a blessing, has provided the change that I needed.  I am blessed.