Wonder woman made me cry. No, it had nothing to do with the truth being sucked out of me by her lasso, an arrow nicking my ear, a slap across the face, or anything else that remotely resembles physical pain.
It was her kiss. A kiss filled with eternal surrender.
I sat in a theater Saturday night, alone in the dark but will people all around me. Fighting back sobs as I watched a movie kiss, my chin lowered to my chest with the hope that I could wipe away the tears with my shoulder before the people sitting next to me noticed. Why in the world am I crying I asked myself. This is pitiful the little voice in my head practically spat after all, it’s just a movie kiss. There was absolutely no reason for tears at that point in the movie, not that there is any shame in crying during a movie, no macho law that revokes a man card if broken. I was crying for what seemed silly.
I knew why and it made me feel so weak and vulnerable.. and I honestly think that I am past that stage in this whole separation/divorce scenario.
I need to be kissed.
Simple, right? Find someone that needs to be kissed.
No. It’s not that simple. No. No. No.
I can’t put my finger on it, but I know that it is more about being close to someone than it is about the touch or anything else that goes with it. I don’t need a one night stand. I don’t need a whore. I want to cherish and be cherished, and I want a kiss that tells me that. Surrender.
I hate this waiting. Despise it. Right now, it seems impossible and, in terms of integrity, wrong to be moving on to someone else. Until the divorce papers are signed, my heart still belongs to the person who some 25 years ago gave herself to me. It doesn’t matter that her heart was taken away from me years ago, that emotionally she abandoned me as soon as other priorities squeezed me out. Common sense tells me to be patient. Ugh.
I created a POF profile, met someone last Friday evening. She liked me almost too much, I could tell, and I probably could have taken advantage of that. But I have no real interest in her, really wasn’t attracted to her. I now have another friend. No way did I want to take it past that, complicate things, hurt someone, cheapen myself.
I feel like I have been single for a long time, even while I was married. I thought that meant that I was ready to have someone in my life. I’m not. I wish I was.
I need to be kissed. It seems impossible. Like it will never happen.
M.A.N. 