Benchmark

Last weekend was Memorial day weekend, a 3.5 day weekend for me because my boss shut down the office for the holiday at 1:30 on Friday afternoon.  It was a good weekend, filled with plenty of riding my favorite dirt trails (a few hours every day), parties, a birthday celebration with D on Saturday night, time with my daughter on Sunday.  This was my second Memorial day weekend on my own, as a repurposed single (I think I like that term rather than saying divorced), quite different than last year.

Memorial day weekend last year was my first official holiday, besides Easter, on my own.  Looking back on what it was like last year, I can see that the holiday is a bit of a benchmark for how I was doing at the time — which was worse than I cared to admit.  Normally a very social type of person, I shunned invites to parties, preferred to stay home and deal with my demons on my own.  I can remember dreading the feeling of being a third wheel, the pitiful guy who was going through a divorce.  I rode that weekend too, partly because that is what I do, partly because I just wanted to fill my time with something.

Riding usually isn’t that way for me.  I truly love turning the pedals, crave the adrenaline I feel when I know I am strong, enjoy the zen that comes from the experience.  There were plenty of times when going through the time of separation before the divorce when I climbed on the bike just to have something to do.  It wasn’t good.

This riding season, I am back to riding for the pleasure of it, rather than the necessity.  I am strong again, fast, and the smile is back on my face.  These past few days, the riding was glorious.

So was the rest of each day.  Saturday night, D and I celebrated our birthdays together.  We were born only a few days apart.  Our celebration started at a nice restaurant with outside seating on a deck that overlooks a lake.  D is affectionate, showered me with attention.  It was a good time.  We went from dinner to a place with magnificent flower gardens close to my house, then went to my place to have cake and exchange presents.  Her present to me was a four tiered plant stand and pots/flowers to put on the stand.  We potted the flowers together, assembled the stand, admired our handiwork.  Spent the rest of the evening with wine and conversation.  It was pleasant and nice, as it always is on our Saturday night dates.

The evening almost ended tragically.  On my way back to my place after dropping D off, I came upon the scene of an accident where I deer had been hit.  I didn’t discover that the deer had been hit until I too ran over the deer.  Trying to do the right thing, I went into the left lane to give the police room.  The left lane was where the recently deceased deer was sprawled.  Amazingly, even though I drove directly over the deer at 50 mph or so, my car was undamaged.

Sunday evening, I was invited to a party at a friend’s in downtown Chicago.  D couldn’t or wouldn’t go, so I went by myself.  Out of the three men at the party, I was the only single guy there amidst a number of single women.  My friend is just that, a friend with no romantic interest, a woman who has known me since she was a girl, when I was a pastor who staffed the church camp she attended as a high school student.  She and a few friends looked me up not too long ago, curious about me, and we get together now and then.  So, at her party, she introduced me as her former pastor, which was a good thing.  All in all, it was a very relaxing evening with no pressure to connect with anyone, just have a good time.  The hostess kept a close eye on me, kind of protected me.  I was spoiled, though, as I never had to get my own beer or food.  🙂

Honestly, I wish D had been with me.  The party moved to the rooftop of the four story flat, the view of the Chicago skyline and sunset spectacular.

I was invited to a BBQ with friends yesterday afternoon, my friends Steve and Suzanne.  Steve is a master with the grill and smoker, smoked tri-tip and chicken.  The meat was heavenly.  When they invited me, they asked if I would be bringing a date, hoping to meet D.  D declined the invitation.  She was tired from working a few hours yesterday, said she would see me Saturday night.  I was disappointed.  I went, but I felt like a third wheel, once again.  These are people I want D to meet, good friends who she will really like.

D texted me around 6, asked if I was having a good time and assured me that she hopes to meet them some time.  I did my best to hide my disappointment, maybe something I should not do.  Maybe I should just let her know it hurt me.

D is a structured person, a slave to routine.  She has a lot going on, too.  Spontaneity is not her thing.  We have had discussions about it and she knows I would love to see her at other times besides Saturday.  It just doesn’t feel like a relationship when there is only Saturday dates and text messages during the week.  I want someone who shares my life.  I would like it to be D, am trying to be patient, mostly succeeding, but I have my moments (as a recent post here demonstrated).  I don’t want to let go, but I might have to do that.  I know that she loves me, but I need her to love me more than her routine.  Either I am going to need to learn to be satisfied with the way things are, or I am going to have to care enough to let her go.  It’s tough for me to do that — I have quite a bit invested in D, emotionally and relationally.  I don’t let go easily and I am not sure that she will let go easily, if that happens.  It may need to happen.

It was a good weekend for me, even with the disappointment.  I look back to a year ago and see how much my life has changed for the better.  I look ahead and realize that there are even better things.